I was watching SBS World News last night—its focus on international news stories always puts the more commercial news focus on footballer transgressions and Master Chef updates in perspective—when the evening bulletin ended with a rather provocative story I thought appropriate to comment upon in a blog.  For those who don’t watch SBS World News, it is common for the programme to end the nightly report with a lighthearted novelty story, usually from America or the UK (those certified fonts of bullshit news stories which don’t fulfill even the slipperiest of news criteria yet get worldwide coverage anyway) as a sort of remedial unguent to take the edge of the horror and bloodshed befalling the rest of the world.  Generally these stories involve an animal with exceptional neurological capabilities, such as a Bedlington Terrier who performs pap smears or a White-fronted Capuchin who runs his own dot com company.  You know, the usual fare. 

Occasionally SBS World News will change up the predictable anthropomorphising of domestic or ‘helper’ pets with a hair-brained new technological advancement.  Depending on intended comic effect (and the severity of the trauma inflicted by the stories which preceeded it), these can range from a bellicose miscreant from Nebraska who has fashioned a lie detector out of old egg cartons to a Brown University med student who has developed a vaccine to prevent boredom.  Last night’s bulletin however left me thinking that neither SBS nor the BBC (from which the story was culled) were sure what group the said invention resided in.  SBS profiled the as yet still unavailable digital reader or electronic book, a portable device which allows users to download entire libraries of books (for a fee) and store them in one compatible and easily accessible unit.  Several companies have so far developed their own devices, an example of which can be viewed here.

I can't wait

It doesn’t just stop with books either.  Newspapers and magazines will also undergo this electronic transformation.

What a fabulous idea, I thought to myself, just what the developed world has been waiting for.  So why the freak are the nerds behind the electronic book stalling? The technology required to develop the electronic book is no different from that of the flash drive or other mass storage device (such as an mp3 player), it looks great (like a rectangular shaped plasma screen with a leather cover no bigger than a VHS cassette) is practical, accessible and would solve a multiple of handling, not to mention ecological, problems.  Best of all, the electronic book won’t shake up the literary industry in any significant way.  Authors still have to compose their work, publishers still have to edit, royalties are generated through the sell of the downloads, the quality of the writing won’t be diminished in anyway (unless of course it’s a Tom Clancy novel in which case it’s a full gone conclusion) and the consumer is gonna love this latest geeky application.  My only real apprehension was that the lowly drones down in the printer’s press who oversee the manufacturing of the book itself will probably be out of a job once the ol’ paper binding biz becomes obsolete.  I remedied this possibility with some socialist strategising: printers can be trained to assemble the electronic books.  Everyone wins!

ooohh, pink!

So why haven’t I got a electronic book concealed beneath the various folds of my personage along with my mobile phone, mp3 player, portable hard drive and all other assorted tumour inducing devices? Why isn’t Edgar Allan Poe and Kathy Lette resting side by side on my lap as we speak (Christ, what a thought!)? The answer lay with those library/book store dwelling snobs who the reporter approached to assess one particular elecrtonic book prototype.  According to these fossils, the electronic book won’t take off because… 

Wait for it….

People like the feel of books!  That’s right, there exists a big enough percentage of the book reading community who like the grubby, coarse and heavy awkwardness of an old fashion tome too much that they are prepared to allow their dubious desire to single handedly hold back the 21^st Century.  Ain’t that some shit! I tell you something, if you’re getting off on paper and cardboard, then consult a therapist because that is what I call a fetish.  And don’t give another thought about how much more unpleasant you’re making life for commuters who have to sit next to you on public transport. Don’t worry about jabbing me in the rib every time you open up your newspaper.  You like the feel of paper? Well I rather enjoy having to inhale that dusty ink smell every time you turn a page. Schmucks! 

Of course there were the usual alarmists who were curling up into the fetal position and rubbing their shit on the walls at the mere thought of a device superseding an invention from 800BC.  A world without binded paper books? Insanity!  By the way, doesn’t the iPhone and other such modern cell phones have an e-book application already? This electronic book thing isn’t exactly new—it’s been edging its way into our lives for some years now.  What’s so scary about making your life more convenient? Are opponents of the electronic book still carting around a boom box on their shoulder, trailing an extension cord behind them to access their computer outside of the home, hand cranking their telephone and lugging their SEGA Master System too and thro their daily meanderings? Of course not, schmucks.  We have adapted to every other advancement in technology so why is the electronic book any different?         

I personally long for the day when we can transcend this humanist state altogether.  I would like electronic book developers to merge with the cosmetics industry and start work on a device which not only stores entire books, newspapers, phone numbers, personal information, the internet, e-mail, mp3s, mp4s, camera, games and assorted applications, but can be condensed into a lotion which is rubbed into the crook of one’s elbow and slowly leeches into the blood stream, up into the brain where the information can then be accessed through a system of blinks.  That’s when I’ll be happy.  Then of course the whole thing will go too far and this will happen: